To my future self:

September 24, 2011

Dear Future Me,

Someday, perhaps someday soon, you will have a brand new babe in your arms again, and you will be delirious with lack-of-sleep. I am here to remind you of a few things, because you are not one of those people that deals well with little sleep. Some people in this world function perfectly well on 5 hours of sleep. You are not on that team, my friend. You are a champion sleeper. In fact, you are better at sleeping than you are at many, many other things. Like sports involving motion. Or sneezing.

So here we go:

1. Do you remember that first time you gave Ivy a bath by yourself, when Dan was working a night shift at the hospital? You couldn’t figure out how to get her into and out of the tub without dropping her, or possibly drowning her, and she wouldn’t quit screaming? Remember that? Okay, if that scenario should repeat itself in the future, do not, I repeat DO NOT get into the tub with the baby. At least, don’t do it with your clothes on next time. It really won’t make anything better. I promise.

2. At some point in time, all babies resist the carseat. And babies, especially older babies, love keys. Baby keys and fake sets of keys might as well be dog toys. No, I take that back. Dog toys are also fascinating. Fake keys are more like, oh, I don’t know, that $74 developmental toy that your baby couldn’t care less about. Your keys, your really real keys, are where it’s at. I’m sure there is a valid developmental explanation for this, but as far as you’re concerned, it really doesn’t matter. The keys, they’re so handy, they’re right there in your hand! And so you might be tempted to give your keys to the squirmy thing in the carseat that looks more like a screaming paperclip than your sweet bundle of love. And if it gets you out of the Target parking lot without stares and whispers or calls to Child Protective Services, great. Do it. Those keys are hers if it gets that kid strapped in and properly oriented. Bonus points if all her clothes stay on. What you should NOT do, however, is close the doors to the car without snatching those keys back. Because! Ha ha hahahahah. Because, moron, your baby is 100% guaranteed to lock herself in a sealed car on a hot day. She couldn’t get a spoon into her mouth if she starving, and she can’t do jack with that $74 developmental toy, but those buttons on the electronic keychain? She was practicing in the womb for that shit. So, yeah. Now is when you  should really worry about CPS coming to take your baby away.

3. And speaking of CPS… Don’t leave a full beer bottle in the same room as your toddler, mmmkay?

4. Okay. This probably isn’t something that you’re going to need reminding about… but then again, you really function poorly without sleep. So I might as well remind you that to check a suspicious diaper, you should gingerly pull back the uppermost margin of the diaper. The outside uppermost margin, if at all possible. What you should not do is stick your whole hand down that sucka like you’re looking for eggs under a chicken. Because there aren’t any eggs, mamacita. Best case scenario, your hand will be moist and smell like low tide. Best. Case. Scenario.

 5. And while we’re on the subject of poo… an infant not pooping for three days does not necessarily constitute an emergency. But should you choose to go the suppository route, you might as well put the kid in the bathtub to start with. Also, I wouldn’t frown at goggles and a nose clip. At the very least, be ready to aim, duck, and dodge. Sorry.

6. Baby teeth are effing sharp, dude. And if you can’t remember what I’m talking about, you should spend five minutes imagining that you’re nursing a furious chipmunk as a mental preparedness exercise.

7. And speaking of wildlife, perspective is important. It’s one of the first things to go when you’re in the blur, so I’d like to remind you that you do not have to forage or regurgitate to feed your offspring. Also, you don’t have seven at once, every two years. Right?! If we have 15 kids in five years, you are totally on your own. And my parting words will include “spay and neuter.”

Of course, it occurs to me that you will have two children when you read this letter. And I have NO IDEA! what that’s like. But considering your performance with Ivy, I’m pretty sure we’ll be in way over your head.


(2011 vintage)

PS: I am not pregnant, y’all. Not even a little bit. Unless you can get pregnant from eating reese’s peanut butter cups. This is just a brain dump of  infant stuff before it all becomes a warm fuzzy glow.