After I published my last post, WordPress very kindly made the following suggestion:

 

Add a couple more tags to make your post easier for others to discover. Some suggestions: sexual harassment allegationskim kardashianrabbit holessweet silence, and dead babies.

 

Awesome.

 

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Thanks a lot, NPR.

November 7, 2011

Okay. I know things have been quiet around here for a while, but this blog is largely about how I manage to do things in a comically wrong way. And sometimes, it takes a little while before my idiocy is apparent to me. I think that’s kind of what “personal growth” is like, only instead of blogging about it, you actually change. Or something. I really have no idea.

So anyway, you guys know how we have no TV? Yeah, there’s kind of no good way to say “Oh, we don’t have a TV. On purpose.” without sounding like a total douche, so I try not to say those words very often, but it is actually kind of relevant to this story. Because TVs have pictures. They also have news about current events.

And to complete my mis-under-knowing trifecta (of two things), I have been on an internet news diet because I always get sucked down rabbit holes of horrible and depressing news that disturbs and distresses me, and finishes off with a whopping side of guilt for even clicking on the link in the first place. You know, links to stories about dead babies. Or Kim Kardashian.

When I am not enjoying the sweet, sweet silence of a quiet house, I sometimes half-listen to NPR. Which has news, but no pictures. [—Can we just pause for a moment here, while you all clap for me knowing the name of the President? Thank you.—]

All of this is important* because I was driving around in my car today, listening to some call-in talk show and they were blar-blar-blabbity-bargh about Herman Cain and his political tailspin, and then all of sudden, this lady called in and started talking about race politics. (*this word may not mean what I think it does.)

And I couldn’t figure it out. She didn’t sound crazy. But wh’uck do race politics have to do with sexual harassment allegations?? And then another person called in, talking about race. And the hosts were all like ‘yeah, yeah, yeah! blar-blargh-blah-blah-blah.” And I sat there, at a stoplight with my head tilted, looking at the radio, and feeling like I was missing something.

You see, I did not know what Herman Cain looked like. My head created this image of a Republican candidate with a tax plan that sounds like a sale at an auto dealership, who is also the owner of a pizza chain called “Godfather’s” and who knows some dirty old man moves. And my brain chewed that information up and spit out a guy that looked like…

BINGO!

This is not Herman Cain.
Not even a little.

You’re welcome.

There you go, kids. Watch all the TV you want. Be informed. Then explain Jersey Shore to me.

A little merriment.

November 4, 2011

Fall always catches me by surprise. I love the colors, the crunchy leaves, the fresh air. But I always find myself a little glum for some reason. Dwindling daylight, most likely. Also, I think somewhere in my brainstem is a neuron from the Mesozoic and it’s telling me to find a cave and tuck in. And all the cynical snark out there erodes my happy.

But lately, all kinds of joyful things have come my way, and I thought I’d gather them and put them here. Here’s to humans! There’s 7 billion of us, and sometimes we’re wonderful!

This came from my mom. And I won’t lie, my eyes were leaking before it was over.

This has been making the rounds, but likewise with the leaking eyes toward the end.

Nature is amazing. It should be honored and protected. Even starlings.

This made me all nostalgic for being young and in love and up to my nostrils in angst. But it’s also quite beautiful, nostalgia aside.

Humans are awesome. But sometimes in a bats-crazy sort of way.

I have… nothing. Can you ask cheese?

Sabre-Toothed Squirrels. For realsies. Hello, AWESOME!

And last, but most:

So, that’s it.

Merry Friday!

What do you know? This blog plays Jedi Mind Tricks. It’s all like “yo, this is not the blog you’re looking for, blog author, move along and find something else to do.” And me, with my mushy mom brain is like “Yeah! Okay! Wait, who said that? Ooh, pretty yarn!”

So, what else have I been up to?

Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of OHMYGOD.

This rental is charming and the space fits us, but we have no living room furniture, yet. It’s been ordered, but it’s not going to be here until right around Christmas (pleasepleaseplease come before Christmas). But this turned out to be a blessing of sorts. See, our front dining room window started doing this really cool trick where it would make a little waterfall come out of the moulding around the window casement whenever it rained. It really added a lot to the ambiance of our dining room. Or it would have, if we hadn’t had to move the dining room into the living room to keep it dry.

The landlord sent this repairman out, and he is straight out of a Dicken’s novel. “Mr. Blimperscaggs was a spindly spidery sort of man, whose limbs and joints never seemed able to straighten completely. His head was graced by brown eyes under thick brows and a small cluster of grey teeth on his bottom jaw. The remaining hairs on the posterior portion of his head were of a length that would delight any barber. He moved about in a cloud of stale smoke, freshened at regular intervals by new cigarettes. When observed, it was his habit to collect the butts of these cigarettes in his pocket. However, when left to his own devices, the area around him would sprout cigarette butts like a fairy ring of toadstools.”

No, really.

Anyway, Blimperscaggs came out and punched a big hole in the wall and found all kinds of rot and mold and badness. So he went away for a day and came back with the supplies to replace the rot and mold and badness. Then, that night, as the plaster was drying, we had another rainstorm, and lo! the waterfall was back in force!

I decided to take a look in the attic crawl space above the window. And now I have PTSD. The End!

This was a problem that had not developed overnight. Ecosystems take time to assemble, and you can trust me on that, I’m a biologist. So, Blimperscaggs was back with plastic and wood and saws and ladders and shingles and oh yeah, we were expecting out of town guests that day. Lovely. Welcome to my house. We have no furniture for you to sit on, except the dining room chairs, which are conveniently located in the living room because there is a four foot hole in my roof and a man inside. But we can stand in front of my house and pretend it’s Mardi Gras! Except instead of beads, you can try to catch moldy insulation and bits of rotted wood. Show your boobs, and you might get a rusty nail thrown your way!! Good times are always to be had at Casa Goodrich.

The hole in our roof is patched. That’s the good news. The slightly troubling news is that there are now all these stress cracks on the opposite side of my house. I’m a little concerned that the replacement boards that Blimperscaggs put in when he took out the rotten ones aren’t bearing the weight quite right, and the house over my head is now shifting enough to crack the plaster on the back side of the house in fairly impressive ways. For instance, the corner of the ceiling in the kitchen is separated from the wall by about 1/8″. That’s normal, right? Blimperscaggs says the brickwork on the outside all looks good– no cracks there, so it’s probably fine. It’s just that I have this nagging suspicion that bricks on houses aren’t structural…

If we have to move THREE times before my daughter is two, I will go all Britney and shave my head and move in with my mom. LINE IN THE SAND, UNIVERSE.

You & Me

October 22, 2011

Psst! Hey, Handsome:

When the kids are old enough, we’re going to teach them to fly.

Uh, hello, Officer?

October 12, 2011

Listen, I hate to bother you, but there’s a moose in my pool.

No, I mean an actual moose.

No, the animal. In my pool.

…..

Hello?

Clearly the moose was not done swimming yet.

Which brings me to what a liability it would be to have handles on your forehead. As the lady with the ropes, it might be kind of nice to have forehead handles on a toddler, but only if they had crumple-zones. I don’t know about you guys, but my kid’s head is entirely blunt, and it still manages to elicit plenty of stars and tweetie birds. So, nevermind. Back to forehead handles being a huge liability. FOR EVERYONE.

UPDATED: So, I just learned that it’s DRUNK MOOSE SEASON! (What’s the appropriate greeting for that? Moosle Tov?)

Hello, officer? I have a drunk moose in my pool.

If you are my daughter, then I am hilarious.

That is all.

Fair warning:

This video is unedited, and is several minutes of my kid eating a doughnut. Slowly. There’s no surprise ending. She eats sprinkles off a doughnut, and then asks for milk. Editorially, it should end at least a minute before it does. If you’re not related to this kid, you should feel absolutely no obligation to watch this. I won’t be offended. I do, however, think my kid eating a doughnut is the cutest doughnut eating kid ever caught on tape. But they don’t pay me to be objective.

A friend of mine just said ‘Hey, your blog misses you.” And I was all, “Wait. I have a blog??”

Turns out, I do!

I have been busy shopping for furniture to make our living room more comfortable, less echoey (echoy, there matey, atey, atey!) (that was worse than usual!), and to give the dust a place to land. Dear god, the dust in this house eats power bars. For ENDURANCE! Rawr!! I vacuum daily and there are tumbleweeds skittering across the hallway by 5 o’clock. My house grows 5 o’clock shadowS. I think it’s the dogs, mostly. I’m fairly certain that they grow hair with the express purpose of putting it on my floor. I’m also fairly certain that our next dog will be a goldfish.

But I love a lot of things about our new house.

For one, I have an office, which is, as I type, only partly filled with boxes. I had a picture of empty, bare floor on my phone that I was going to include in a future blog post (this one!) and talk about how it was the sexiest thing I’d seen since August. But then my phone fell in a toilet died and its replacement is made out a tin can and legos. (also lost? an awesome series of photos detailing a dwindling pile of random erector set bits, courtesy of IKEA. And my collection of 19 hex wrenches.) (I sob, stoically. So, not so much, really.) Someday, I’m guessing three weeks after Peach starts school, my office will be organized, orderly, box-free, filled with sciencey publications and wool. Mmm.

Huh? You’re still here!

Right. So right now, it’s still piled high with boxes of books and random bits that don’t have a home yet. I think that’s one of the worst parts of moving: finding and then remembering places for all kinds of random, infrequently used things, like sunhats and drawer liners and electronic cables. You’ll need them. And when you need them, you’ll need them now. And you’ll wonder where the hell you put them. Need a safe place for the passports? Stick ’em with the hammock ties! Presto, safe forever. Also probably safe from you.

See, the problem with finding places for things is that odds are extremely low that you’ll be able to recreate the logic that led you to that place. Thus, you find yourself unpacking crap and wondering where to put all three (3!) pairs of hammock ties. In four years of marriage, we have used our ONLY (singular. one. sole.) hammock once. And we had to go buy new ties to do it. I have no idea how we got the third set. It probably involved uncut cocaine and contraband pandas (hello, band name!). How do I know? Buying habits, people. That data is gold. Unless your wallet’s been stolen. In which case it is damn amusing. Provided you’re drunk.

This is a long, rambling post with almost no point at all. But I started talking about furniture, which is where my brain has been lately. So which do you like better?

PS! I’ll be around more this week. I have updates about missing yarn and dead phones!

PPS: That’s called marketing, people.

Being Elmo

September 26, 2011

Honestly, Elmo kind of makes my teeth itch. But I watched this preview with rapt attention, and now I’m looking forward to seeing a whole movie about him. (Gina, if you ever read this, I got the link from you! Thx!)