Wherein I threaten to go all Britney

October 23, 2011

What do you know? This blog plays Jedi Mind Tricks. It’s all like “yo, this is not the blog you’re looking for, blog author, move along and find something else to do.” And me, with my mushy mom brain is like “Yeah! Okay! Wait, who said that? Ooh, pretty yarn!”

So, what else have I been up to?

Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of OHMYGOD.

This rental is charming and the space fits us, but we have no living room furniture, yet. It’s been ordered, but it’s not going to be here until right around Christmas (pleasepleaseplease come before Christmas). But this turned out to be a blessing of sorts. See, our front dining room window started doing this really cool trick where it would make a little waterfall come out of the moulding around the window casement whenever it rained. It really added a lot to the ambiance of our dining room. Or it would have, if we hadn’t had to move the dining room into the living room to keep it dry.

The landlord sent this repairman out, and he is straight out of a Dicken’s novel. “Mr. Blimperscaggs was a spindly spidery sort of man, whose limbs and joints never seemed able to straighten completely. His head was graced by brown eyes under thick brows and a small cluster of grey teeth on his bottom jaw. The remaining hairs on the posterior portion of his head were of a length that would delight any barber. He moved about in a cloud of stale smoke, freshened at regular intervals by new cigarettes. When observed, it was his habit to collect the butts of these cigarettes in his pocket. However, when left to his own devices, the area around him would sprout cigarette butts like a fairy ring of toadstools.”

No, really.

Anyway, Blimperscaggs came out and punched a big hole in the wall and found all kinds of rot and mold and badness. So he went away for a day and came back with the supplies to replace the rot and mold and badness. Then, that night, as the plaster was drying, we had another rainstorm, and lo! the waterfall was back in force!

I decided to take a look in the attic crawl space above the window. And now I have PTSD. The End!

This was a problem that had not developed overnight. Ecosystems take time to assemble, and you can trust me on that, I’m a biologist. So, Blimperscaggs was back with plastic and wood and saws and ladders and shingles and oh yeah, we were expecting out of town guests that day. Lovely. Welcome to my house. We have no furniture for you to sit on, except the dining room chairs, which are conveniently located in the living room because there is a four foot hole in my roof and a man inside. But we can stand in front of my house and pretend it’s Mardi Gras! Except instead of beads, you can try to catch moldy insulation and bits of rotted wood. Show your boobs, and you might get a rusty nail thrown your way!! Good times are always to be had at Casa Goodrich.

The hole in our roof is patched. That’s the good news. The slightly troubling news is that there are now all these stress cracks on the opposite side of my house. I’m a little concerned that the replacement boards that Blimperscaggs put in when he took out the rotten ones aren’t bearing the weight quite right, and the house over my head is now shifting enough to crack the plaster on the back side of the house in fairly impressive ways. For instance, the corner of the ceiling in the kitchen is separated from the wall by about 1/8″. That’s normal, right? Blimperscaggs says the brickwork on the outside all looks good– no cracks there, so it’s probably fine. It’s just that I have this nagging suspicion that bricks on houses aren’t structural…

If we have to move THREE times before my daughter is two, I will go all Britney and shave my head and move in with my mom. LINE IN THE SAND, UNIVERSE.


One Response to “Wherein I threaten to go all Britney”

  1. Swaroop said

    On the bright side, it is not supposed to rain until Friday 🙂 I hope you guys are doing ok!

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